"Creeper Crawler Callers!!"

There was a time in my life when heavy breathing on the other end of a phone line struck terror in my heart!  I can remember receiving several obscene phone calls while my first husband and I were Pastoring in that cesspool of sin called Los Angeles.  I can remember several nights inparticular while my husband worked graveyard, jolting awake to the sound of  the phone ringing at two a.m.  Groggy and shaken I would answer, "hello" only to hear the unfamiliar voice of a man, breathing hard, asking what I was wearing.  It never went well when I told them I was wearing long flannel pajamas, granny panties and furry bunny slippers.......it didn't take long for them to hang up and dial some other, poor, unsuspecting lady.  Nowadays, if I am fortunate enough to receive a call from a man breathing heavily, I usually reply with "Hi Paul, (my husband) what's up?"

All levity aside, creepers seem to be getting creepier and creepier!!  And there are none creepier than the creeps that creep around high end hotels! You know the type, they call all the ladies "honey" and "sweetheart", flash their money around, wear tight pants, pinky rings and Tim Mcgraw's Stetson cologne and exude a greasy, oily aura in general?  Oh yeah, we've all seen em, but try talking to one of those dudes!!  You are just another faceless, nameless female whom they are attempting to seduce by simply placing a room service order. They have your full attention from the privacy of their hotel room and you are helpless to stop it! 

For example; 

ROOM SERVICE ORDER

"Hello sweetie, I would like some food brought to my..........roooooommm."

"Of course sir, what can I get you?"

"I'll take the blah blah blah and the blah blah blah, as well as a bottle of your best wine and TWO wineglasses. please."

"Of course sir.  And how many will be dining tonight?"

"Just me.......I'm all alone.........in my rooooooommmm."

"I'll get that right up to you sir."

"Oh thank you.........uh what is your name sweetie?"

"Shawnacee"

"Oh what a pretty name!  Thank you (the following said in a whisper) Shaaawwwnnnnaaaceeee."



Oh my word!  Gag me with a spoon why don'tcha!  And it doesnt stop there either.  The requests for housekeeping or for extra items brought to the room take it to a whole new creepy level!




For example;

"Good evening, this is Shawnacee at your service."

"Well hello there honey."  (This is said in a deep, sexy, voice)

"Yes sir, what can I get you?"

"Can you send someone to make up my.................(wait for it).......beeedddd?

"Absolutely sir, anything else?"

"Uuuhhmm, oh yes, some towels please......and oh, have them come right away as I am about to step into the..............(wait for it)...........ssshhhoooowwweerrr."

"Of course sir, I'll send them immediately."

"Well thank you and good nnniiiiggghhhhtttt."



The desire to shower using sandpaper and hand sanitizer immediately upon disconnecting from one of the aforementioned calls certainly classifies it as creepy in my book.  Perhaps receiving creepy calls from a hotel with a bar in the lobby is just par for the course, however I have learned how to deftly avoid a conversation becoming too, shall we say, personal by simply tapping the "release" button on my console and sending "Mr. Macho Man" into oblivion.  Unfortunately not all callers are as easily dismissed, like, for instance, "The guest who thinks he/she is God's gift to the world, but is not" caller................................................................................ ;) Next time.

Calling All Lonely Callers! Don't Call!

I have experienced loneliness.......YOU have experienced loneliness, we have ALL experienced loneliness.  How does that old song go?  One is the loneliest number??  Being lonely is, unfortunately, a part of life.  God was lonely, so he created the earth, all of it's creatures and mankind, Adam was lonely in the garden and God gave him a woman, Air Supply recorded "Two Less Lonely People" and got a lot of money................but if YOU are lonely HERE, you do not get ME, get a pen pal instead.  Loneliness strikes everyone at one time or another, however, it is not acceptable to dial zero from ones hotel room and go on, and on, and on about your bunyuns to a faceless, nameless, exasperated hotel operator when all you needed was a tube of toothpaste for crying out loud! 

Lonely callers are among the worst, for they just assume that you have absolutely nothing else to do but listen to them talk about Des Moine, back in the day, or of their stay in one of our hotels way back in 1959 and how many times they have stayed in one since then.  All of these facts however serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever except to give me time to apply another layer of clear polish to my nails.  My fellow employees have become accustomed to seeing me at my desk, telephone receiver tucked snuggly between my chin and shoulder, arms flapping wide as an eagle in an attempt to dry the Sally Hansen.  These gyrations silently relay to them that I have been snagged by yet another "lonely caller."

If you are lonely, join the Red Hat Club for ladies who have yet to be informed that purple and red do not match.  Or what about a book club, cooking class or quilting bee???  For lonely men out there, there is always checkers in the courthouse square, golf and piddling around in the garage.......better yet, all you lonely people, join Apostolic Singles Network and find another lonely person, and then you can both NOT be lonely together!  I am pure genius!  My nails will look like doo doo but I will no longer suffer from that nagging crick in my neck.........