Sunday, August 19, 2012

Oh For Crying Out Loud!!

When you deal with people all day, it is normal to want to kill them. 

Now everybody just calm down!  Don's start spreading it on Facebook that Shawnacee has finally gone off her meds and lost her marbles. I did not mean that in the literal sense of course, I simply meant that at some point you are going to want to wrap your hands around their scrawny little necks and squeeze ever so tightly, or, perhaps place your hand over their whining mouths and clamp down.........hard.

This is what it feels like to be me.  Eight hours a day, five days a week, I deal with people who have paid good money to stay at our hotel and they are not about to let ANYONE forget it!  More than once I have wanted to grab some hoity toity lady by her Louis Vuitton purse strap, stare straight into her surgically lifted eyes and yell, "Lady!  This is Napa for crying out loud, not the Hamptons!  Just a few miles away there are homeless people and stray cats, get over yourself!"  But of course I don't, because then I would lose my job and be out on the street myself, so, I swallow, ask the dear Lord to help me to be nice and send up some chocolate covered strawberries to "Miss Priss."

We come into contact with all kinds here at our prestigious hotel.

Currently, we have a large group of "top secret guests" staying with us of whom I am not allowed to speak.  I have stood in the Manager's office, pen trembling in my hand as sweat beaded upon my upper lip, waiting to sign "the hallowed document."  Written in this document are my promises as an employee to not maul, molest, or otherwise force myself in an unseemly manner upon said "secret guests."  We, as employees have been stripped of our rights to talk on our cellphones, or to have access to the breezeways and certain entrances of our hotel.  All because some famous people are here.........Are you kidding me??  "I'm famous!  Yes!  I am famous for many things.  For instance, I am famous for burning the french bread, spending too much money, sticking my foot in my mouth, these blogs!  That's right!  I'm a famous blogger!  You sure don't see them parting the waters for my arrival, no sirree.  But then again, that's because I don't make the big bucks, just small ones.

Occasionally I will come across the "I'll lie to get what I want" guest.  This is a guest that has "been to every ________ Hotel on the planet and has never stayed in one where they charge for wifi in the room, yada yada yada." even though that is the policy in all ________ hotels everywhere.  Or, I LOVE this one, "They are personal friends of Mr. ________ and one time had dinner with him and HE said that they could cancel their reservations one hour before they are scheduled to arrive without paying the cancellation fee.  In this instance I wanted to inform the guest that Judas had supper with God Almighty and THAT didn't turn out well for HIM either.

But my alltime favorite was the lady who visited who had to have been dispatched by Satan himself to wreak havoc on my nerves and to leave carnage in her wake.  She had a daughter who was allergic to EVERYTHING, so they could not be near the garden, but it was too hot in the room and she couldn't open the windows because the foliage would send the daughter into a wheezing fit.  And of course the room was not cleaned properly, so we sent the housekeepers to clean it again, and then it was just way too clean and smelled too strong of the room deodorizer the housekeepers spray, sooooooooooo she asked if we had a machine that would remove the stinky air from the room.  WHAT???? 

"Oh yes!"  She proclaimed "All hotels have them and if they don't, they should!!"  From there she went on to tell me that this was the absolute WORST hotel she had ever stayed in and that basically, we were a bunch of morons.  I bit my tongue of course, but would have preferred to bite HER tongue out and send her babygirl a bouquet of ragweed.  AND to add insult to injury I discovered that there actually ARE machines that remove bad odors from a room!!  Well glory be!!  If I had know that I would have secured one long ago for when my son lived at home.


When this irate guest finally left, we all breathed a sigh  and wept upon one onother's shoulders in relief, then, I promptly did a little Holy Ghost jig right there in the office.  She had stayed one week too long as far as I was concerned.  I was ever so happy and very anxious to Google that amazing stinky air remover thingamajig..........and no, it's not for my son.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

"Creeper Crawler Callers!!"

There was a time in my life when heavy breathing on the other end of a phone line struck terror in my heart!  I can remember receiving several obscene phone calls while my first husband and I were Pastoring in that cesspool of sin called Los Angeles.  I can remember several nights inparticular while my husband worked graveyard, jolting awake to the sound of  the phone ringing at two a.m.  Groggy and shaken I would answer, "hello" only to hear the unfamiliar voice of a man, breathing hard, asking what I was wearing.  It never went well when I told them I was wearing long flannel pajamas, granny panties and furry bunny slippers.......it didn't take long for them to hang up and dial some other, poor, unsuspecting lady.  Nowadays, if I am fortunate enough to receive a call from a man breathing heavily, I usually reply with "Hi Paul, (my husband) what's up?"

All levity aside, creepers seem to be getting creepier and creepier!!  And there are none creepier than the creeps that creep around high end hotels! You know the type, they call all the ladies "honey" and "sweetheart", flash their money around, wear tight pants, pinky rings and Tim Mcgraw's Stetson cologne and exude a greasy, oily aura in general?  Oh yeah, we've all seen em, but try talking to one of those dudes!!  You are just another faceless, nameless female whom they are attempting to seduce by simply placing a room service order. They have your full attention from the privacy of their hotel room and you are helpless to stop it! 

For example; 

ROOM SERVICE ORDER

"Hello sweetie, I would like some food brought to my..........roooooommm."

"Of course sir, what can I get you?"

"I'll take the blah blah blah and the blah blah blah, as well as a bottle of your best wine and TWO wineglasses. please."

"Of course sir.  And how many will be dining tonight?"

"Just me.......I'm all alone.........in my rooooooommmm."

"I'll get that right up to you sir."

"Oh thank you.........uh what is your name sweetie?"

"Shawnacee"

"Oh what a pretty name!  Thank you (the following said in a whisper) Shaaawwwnnnnaaaceeee."



Oh my word!  Gag me with a spoon why don'tcha!  And it doesnt stop there either.  The requests for housekeeping or for extra items brought to the room take it to a whole new creepy level!




For example;

"Good evening, this is Shawnacee at your service."

"Well hello there honey."  (This is said in a deep, sexy, voice)

"Yes sir, what can I get you?"

"Can you send someone to make up my.................(wait for it).......beeedddd?

"Absolutely sir, anything else?"

"Uuuhhmm, oh yes, some towels please......and oh, have them come right away as I am about to step into the..............(wait for it)...........ssshhhoooowwweerrr."

"Of course sir, I'll send them immediately."

"Well thank you and good nnniiiiggghhhhtttt."



The desire to shower using sandpaper and hand sanitizer immediately upon disconnecting from one of the aforementioned calls certainly classifies it as creepy in my book.  Perhaps receiving creepy calls from a hotel with a bar in the lobby is just par for the course, however I have learned how to deftly avoid a conversation becoming too, shall we say, personal by simply tapping the "release" button on my console and sending "Mr. Macho Man" into oblivion.  Unfortunately not all callers are as easily dismissed, like, for instance, "The guest who thinks he/she is God's gift to the world, but is not" caller................................................................................ ;) Next time.





Saturday, July 7, 2012

Calling All Lonely Callers! Don't Call!

I have experienced loneliness.......YOU have experienced loneliness, we have ALL experienced loneliness.  How does that old song go?  One is the loneliest number??  Being lonely is, unfortunately, a part of life.  God was lonely, so he created the earth, all of it's creatures and mankind, Adam was lonely in the garden and God gave him a woman, Air Supply recorded "Two Less Lonely People" and got a lot of money................but if YOU are lonely HERE, you do not get ME, get a pen pal instead.  Loneliness strikes everyone at one time or another, however, it is not acceptable to dial zero from ones hotel room and go on, and on, and on about your bunyuns to a faceless, nameless, exasperated hotel operator when all you needed was a tube of toothpaste for crying out loud! 

Lonely callers are among the worst, for they just assume that you have absolutely nothing else to do but listen to them talk about Des Moine, back in the day, or of their stay in one of our hotels way back in 1959 and how many times they have stayed in one since then.  All of these facts however serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever except to give me time to apply another layer of clear polish to my nails.  My fellow employees have become accustomed to seeing me at my desk, telephone receiver tucked snuggly between my chin and shoulder, arms flapping wide as an eagle in an attempt to dry the Sally Hansen.  These gyrations silently relay to them that I have been snagged by yet another "lonely caller."

If you are lonely, join the Red Hat Club for ladies who have yet to be informed that purple and red do not match.  Or what about a book club, cooking class or quilting bee???  For lonely men out there, there is always checkers in the courthouse square, golf and piddling around in the garage.......better yet, all you lonely people, join Apostolic Singles Network and find another lonely person, and then you can both NOT be lonely together!  I am pure genius!  My nails will look like doo doo but I will no longer suffer from that nagging crick in my neck.........

Saturday, June 30, 2012

"Yes Ma'am Your Annoying Voice DOES Make Me Want To Gauge Out My Eardrums With A Sharp Instrument!!"

The most basic of my duties at my prestigious job at a local luxury hotel is to answer the phones.  Now, if I were only required to answer the telephone in my sweet voice so syrupy it could cover your morning waffles with ease, well then that would be easy.  It's the fact that there is a live person on the other end of the line that I have to deal with that chaps my hide!  Don't they know I am busy filing my nails??  I have come to the conclusion that the people of America are well..........just straight up ignorant.

We have a large variety of callers that annoy me on a daily basis, and I have created names for all of them.  For instance;

1.  The international caller

2.  The lonely guest caller

3    The creeper caller

4.  The woman who thinks she is God's gift to the world but is not caller

5.  The know it all caller

6.  The walking allergy caller

7.  The would fit in better at a Motel 6 caller

And last, but certainly not least.......

8.  The drunk off his/her badonkadonk caller

Now, Let's discuss each caller in depth so that I can share the misery with all.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job, it's morons that I cannot tolerate.  I absolutely believe that I will one day stroll the sumptuous halls of this structure in a business suit sporting a large name tag and commence to boss people around, striking terror in the hearts of my underlings as they pass me a perfectly brewed cup of coffee.............until then, I will grasp the telephone receive with white knuckles fantasizing of all sorts of evil ways to end the conversation..........for good.

So, shall we begin?  Let's do!  Our first caller to discuss shall be the international caller.  I have taken calls from Aussies, Englishmen, Irishman and Scotts.  Never fails, every Australian I talk to, I envision them tanned, khaki shirt open to the waist.  Weather worn pants are tucked into knee hi boots, blue eyes against a tanned face peeks out from beneath an old floppy leather hat.

  The Englishmen?  Well, he would certainly arrive in an Aston Martin clad in a white, tailored Armani suit, ascot at his throat, beautiful woman on his arm as he discreetly speaks into his wristwatch to Scotland Yard and orders a dry martini, shaken, not stirred. 

The Irsihman arrives in a tweed jacket and knee pants, a jaunty cap rests upon his fiery red hair, an attractive mustache adorns his upper lip, as an elaborately carved pipe hangs from the side of his mouth.  His piercing green eyes take in every aspect of the lovely lobby.   

And then, there is the Scott.  Long, wavy auburn hair flows down his back.  He is adorned with a white linen shirt with leather drawstrings at the chest and billowing sleeves.  A lovely kilt in colors that enhance his eyes and hair brush his knees.  Highland boots complete the ensemble, revealing just a hint of muscular, tanned knee. 

I lie to myself that this is what the fella on the other end of the line really looks like as they ask for directions, room service, extra linens, towels, etc.  Unfortunately reality is not my friend, for in truth, the Aussie has b.o, the Scott just trashed his room, the Irishman is drunk at the bar and the Englishman is in need of a dentist in a bad way.

Sigh, oh well, I will send the Aussie his soap, call housekeeping to the Scott's room, have the bellman drag the Irishman to his room and direct the Englishman to the local dentist.........I hope he's in town for a while.

Oh well, back to reality and then I am off to go home to my REAL Harlequin Romance hero!!  We will talk about the "lonely guest caller"  next time!  Until then, don't call me, I'll call you.  ;)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I'm a Big Shot Now!

In January of this year I removed my orange apron, kissed my name tag with my name written in black magic marker and sadly removed my orange ballcap from where it rested ever so delicately upon my auburn locks.  I rolled my sampling cart into the storage room and covered it one last time.  And with that, I was gone.

Wal Mart stores every where stopped and held a collective breath as the guy in Customer Service announced over the world wide public announcement system, "May I have your attention, Shawnacee, the Wal Mart sample lady has left the building."

I, on the other hand had never been happier in my life!  I was on to bigger and better things.  I wanted to sit behind a desk, wear a real uniform with a real nametag where the name is actually engraved.  I was ready to mix and mingle with those in the corporate world, and to climb a few rungs on that corporate ladder!!

And that my dear readers is how I found myself employed at one of the most prestiges hotels in the world, whose name I shall keep private.  No 1970's decor or coin operated bed massagers here, no sir, at this hotel you are knee deep in swank, complete with bellman in red coats and an entire staff waiting to serve you!

The hotel industry, I love it!  You would think that after years of performing the duties of a Pastor's wife that I would run screaming in sheer terror from a building full of complaining and demanding people, but no, I embrace it, relish it, I LOVE IT!!  And so, I return from whence I came, serving people.  Plastering a smile on my face, and maintaining a calm, silky smooth, appropriately modulated voice I listen to both the complaints and compliments aimed at our fine establishment.

I sit behind my desk in the back office, my neck and spine alligned perfectly in delicate posture, and with a well cultured voice answer the phone thus, "Good morning/afternoon/evening, this is Shawnacee at your service, how may I assist you?"..............Wait, scratch that, back the truck up, my Holy Ghost won't let me, I told an ever so lily white lie.  The afore mentioned picture that I just painted for you is somewhat smudged.  In reality, I slouch in a posture that would bring shame upon my mother, my feet propped up on a desk that I share with at least one other person, sucking on a diet coke whilst popping skittles and m&m's into my mouth hoping and praying that I can swallow before the phone rings.  And I have learned one very valuable lesson..........one cannot transfer a call with one's big toe.  Well, to be honest, that description is a real stretch as well, but hey, it makes life more exciting.

So, what do I really do??  I am an AYS (at your service) agent at a very beautiful upscale hotel in Napa Valley and I couldn't be happier!  My duties include answering all calls, taking room service orders, signing out and signing in property keys, wake up calls, logging all complaint or repair calls as well as filing a number of very important documents daily into our data base.  Short of occasionally wanting to reach through the phone line and manually strangling a guest, or fantasizing of cutting out the tongue of an overly picky guest giving me their room service order, I enjoy what I do!  My coworkers are warm and welcoming and fun and there is never a dull moment!  And considering all the wild and wacky people that I encounter on a daily basis and their antics during their stay at our hotel, well, it's just too rich not to be shared!

So, stay tuned for future blogs on my very interesting employment, until then, I have to answer line two!  Tada, and do come again!  ;)